


I Lie to Myself and Say It's For the Best

by Ithinkwehaveanemergency



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Family, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 06:43:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16403282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/pseuds/Ithinkwehaveanemergency
Summary: Eddie and Buck finally give in to their feelings.Eddie immediately messes it up.It takes a few kind, and not so kind, words to get him to fix it.





	I Lie to Myself and Say It's For the Best

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xTarmanderx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xTarmanderx/gifts).



> Title belong to Straylight Run.

Eddie opens his eyes slowly.

 

His thoughts are muddled.  Hazy. Slowed by the aftershocks of release.

 

He can't remember ever feeling this drunk off of sex.

 

A pair of soft, full lips slot between his own and he kisses back on instinct, eyes fluttering shut again.  They pant into eachothers mouths, lips catching and sliding. Not the most efficient way to regain even breaths after strenuous activity, but Eddie finds himself unable to care.

 

“God, Eddie.”  Buck’s voice is hot and heavy in his still-ringing ears.  The younger man sounds as drunk as Eddie feels. Eddie wonders briefly if they've been drugged again, but all they've had is Cap's cooking and pie that Hen brought.

 

So that’s not it.

 

But its still wrong.  They shouldn't be here.

 

“Buck, we gotta…”  Eddie shakes his head, pulling away.  He can't look forward at how wrecked Buck looks, so he turns, facing the door.  His fingers fumble with his zipper. “We should get back. That was reckless. Anyone could have come in...  I can't…”

 

“Eddie, calm down.”  Buck exhales, adjust himself, jumping off the washing machine and zipping his fly.  He grabs Eddie's bicep and turns him so their eyes meet for the first time since they came.  It was almost simultaneous, groaning into eachothers mouths as their hands gripped eachothers cocks.  “Eddie, you gotta change your shirt. You gotta… Look. It's fine, no one noticed. That was ridiculously fast, which I'll have you know is not a reflection of my actually stamina in bed.  You just… God. Eddie. Just calm down.”

 

Eddie notices his breathing has done the opposite of slow down.  He sees Buck trying to breathe along with him, back to first responder mode already.

 

Eddie looks down and realizes they’d both come all over his shirt.  He hasn't even thought about the fact that they just had sex. Messy, quick, handjobs, but sex nonetheless.  Seeing the wet spots all over his shirt brings him back down to the realization that he did this.

 

He followed Buck into the garage to tell him in private that he was thankful for him.

 

He closed the distance when Buck looked at his mouth and licked his lips.

 

He picked Buck up and sat him on the edge of the nearest surface and bit at his neck like he wanted to tear him apart.

 

He's the one who sucked Buck's tongue into his own mouth just to stop the man's wrecked cry as he came into Eddie's fist.

 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”  Eddie steels himself and nods, unbuttoning his collared shirt and yanking it off.  He wipes his hands with it and Buck tears it away and throws it in the washer behind them with a shrug. It's his sister's place.  He can wash clothes if he wants.

 

“Eddie, you good?”  Buck uses a hand to cup Eddie's neck, their foreheads meeting as he tries to calm Eddie down.  “Tell me you're good. You're freaking me out, man. Talk to me.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.  Just… I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry I just… accosted you in your sister's garage.”  Eddie laughs lightly, finally shaking off his panic, and inching slowing toward a different kind of nervousness.  Nervousness that he's ruined the best friendship he's ever had just because he couldn't hold back any longer. He hadn't ever meant to do anything about his feelings for Buck.  But today, with the kid they'd rescued, and Buck almost dying and then during dinner when Buck had said he was thankful for all the new additions to their 118 family and looked at Eddie with those eyes…

 

“Eddie.”  Buck smiles back at him, just as nervously.  “Dude, I think I've kind of been waiting for you to accost me literally _anywhere_ for weeks now.”

 

Eddie's eyes slam shut and he pulls away, out of Buck's hold.  He walks toward the door.

 

“No, I can't.  You don't want this.  I'm-” Eddie looks up and sees the confusion in Bucks eyes and he feels his own heart straining inside his chest.  “This can't happen again, Buck. I’m gonna go get Christopher and I'm gonna go. We'll… I'll talk to you at work.”

 

Eddie's out the door before Buck can respond.

 

*****

 

Eddie walks into the station on Saturday morning with his head held determinedly high.

 

It's been two days.

 

This is the first shift he has with Buck, and he's not about to look embarrassed at the fact that he hasn't answered any of Buck's calls or texts.

 

He was with his son.  They were with family.  He was busy.

 

His aunt had frowned everytime the phone vibrated.  She kissed his cheek at the end of the night and whispered in his ear a playful, condescending, “I've never seen cowardice in your face until today.  Whatever it is, you should just talk to him.”

 

Eddie had been shocked.  He had never known his aunt to approve of his interest in men.  He was baffled at her words and kept side eyeing his son the whole drive home, looking for any indication the kid knew more than he let on.

 

The station is eerily quiet.  There's a tv on, somewhere, but other than it's quiet drone, nothing is making a sound.

 

Eddie climbs the stairs and finds Bobby in the recliner.

 

“He's been on for 26 hours.”

 

Eddie turns toward the person who cut through the quiet and sees Buck cleaning a socket wrench set at the dinner table.

 

“Why’s he still on?”  Eddie is good at this.  The small talk. This he can do.  He walks over to the table and pulls out a chair.

 

Buck sighs.  He picks up a ¾ inch socket at looks at it with a harsh squint.

 

It shines under the harsh station lights.

 

It's been cleaned.  The whole set looks spotless.  Bucks out of things to clean.

 

“Hen and Roger are on loan to Pico-Union for the week.”  Buck answers before putting the socket back in its rightful place.  “We have breakers coming by later, but with Roger out, it's gonna be thin for a while.”

 

“Pico-Union is stacked.  How is that possible? Is this about the fire last night?  I saw someone died, but it was a resident of the complex.”

 

“Station 13 walked away from yesterday with a combined 11 broken bones between 6 men, between 3 different calls.”  Buck says with a sad shake of the head. He stands up and walks away from Eddie. He still hasn't looked at him once.  “No one was critically injured, but man that's gonna be a rough recovery period. Hopefully they bring a couple of those training guys from Gothard.  Huntington is always even slower than usual in the off season, and I know they just got an aux crew back from the Big Sur fire.”

 

“Isn't that where Bobby did his training back in the day?”  Diego, their newest transfer, asks. The tall, lanky 25 year old gets up from where Eddie hadn't even seen him stretched on the couch.  He scratches at his dreadlocks and blinks at Eddie with sleep in his eyes.

 

“It is, indeed.”  Bobby answers without moving.

 

Eddie watches Buck wordlessly pick up the tool set and walk back downstairs.  The heavy door to the workshop shuts with a deafening slam and Diego whistles.

 

“Boy, what did you do?”  The half-mexican, half-chinese firefighter joins Eddie at the table.  “Your boyfriend has been in a _mood_ since he got here last night.”

 

“He's been here since last night?”  Eddie furrows his brow then realizes his mistake a moment too late.  “He's not… we're not…”

 

“Eddie doesn't _date,_ Diego.  He _can't_.  It's not  _pragmatic._ ”  Bobby chimes in again, still motionless on the recliner.  He does a good job of implying his eye rolls with his inflection, though.

 

“Why was he brought in early?  Why didn't anyone call me in when we were shorthanded?”  Eddie brings the subject away from words that cause him minor angina for reasons he doesn't want to think about.

 

“We were going to when we got word about the Koreatown fire last night, but your boyfriend said you needed time with your kid.”  Diego shrugs, grabbing a banana out of the fruit bowl.

 

“That’s… stop calling him that.”  Eddie grunts and stands from the table.  He starts for the stairs, but the captains voice stops him.

 

“Eddie.”  Bobby’s tone is harsh, and when Eddie turns, the man's eyes are open.  He feels like he's being scolded, but then Bobby’s gaze softens and he closes his eyes again.  “Don't do anything stupid. You've got at least a 12 hour shift ahead of you, working side-by-side.”

 

Eddie swallows down the lump in his throat and looks back at the stairs.  He breathes in deep and changes course for the remote instead, opting to distract himself with whatever reruns he’s bound to find on TNT.

 

“Wai-.”  Diego mumbles around his banana and Eddie glances back over his shoulder at the young man.  “He see-we-us-we nah yo boyfend?”

 

Eddie rolls his eyes and resolutely ignores the quiet laughter coming from his half-asleep Captain.

 

Castle comes on TV and Eddie turns up the volume.

 

*****

 

“What was that?!”  Buck's voice carries into the meeting room and the door slams loudly behind him.

 

It's eight hours into their shift and while the day had been altogether slow, the last call was crying for the routine heroics that usually had Eddie and Buck diving into action, acting quickly and efficiently, like they shared a brain.  Instead, Eddie immediately volunteered Diego to get into the attic crawlspace with Buck, grounding himself to work a hose for the fire on the other side of the house.

 

“I don't know what you're talking about.”  Eddie turns and looks his best friend in the eye, stubbornly refusing to cave to the unspoken accusation of unprofessional behavior.

 

“You know damn well what I'm talking about, Diaz.”

 

“I don't.”  Eddie steps forward into Buck's space.

 

Buck grins, but it's unkind.  He lets out a harsh laugh. “Fuck you.  You're a piece of work, you know that?”

 

Eddie knows.

 

But it's better than letting Buck in.  It's easier than letting someone with a fucking hero complex get inside his heart.  His home. His kid's heart.

 

Except Eddie also knows Buck’s already there.

 

He has running shoes inside Eddie's apartment on the shoe rack.  He has his own coffee mug; A hand painted birthday present from Christopher that Eddie hadn't known about, since they’d made them at school in a craft class.  He has a spare key in case of emergencies. He’s Christopher’s second emergency contact with the school. He has a coat he left on the rack, and his spare sunglasses are sitting right where he forgot them on the kitchen counter a week ago.

 

Eddie fucked up long before Thanksgiving at Maddie's.

 

He's been letting Buck into his home as much as the man wants to be there.  And it's not okay.

 

Because Buck just misses his girlfriend.  He hasn't gotten over the break up. He's just looking for someone else to take care of now that Maddie's ex husband is behind bars.  Buck is just looking for something to give him a purpose.

 

Eddie doesn't want to be a purpose.  He and his son aren't a project or a charity.  They're a family.

 

They're not what Buck is looking for.  They can't be.

 

“I'm sorry that you feel that way.  I didn't mean to upset you.” Eddie speaks the words with miles less sincerity than he actually means.

 

“That's exactly it, though.  Isn't it? You're sorry about the way I feel.”  Buck's face is red as Eddie's ever seen it. He's so enraged it feels like he's emanating heat, and Eddie wants to back away from in in self preservation.

 

“You don't-”

 

“If you dare tell me what I want again and I will deck you.”

 

Eddie steps back and puts his hands out.  The last thing he wants is to fight. Eddie doesn't do violence.

 

“Jesus, Eddie, I'm not…”  Buck throws his hands in the air and walks away in the opposite direction, giving them both some necessary space.  He turns around with his hands on his hips and when he looks at Eddie this time is just like the way he looked at him when Eddie started to freak out in the garage two days before.  He looks concerned. Like all he wants is to comfort Eddie. And that's the problem. Isn't it? “Eddie, I'm not gonna hit you, I'm just… I’m so mad at you. I'm so mad. I did this already.  I did the whole, _do I really want this_ part of our relationship.  Because I'm a grown ass man, and I can work out my issues on my own.  I can figure out just fine if my ridiculous obsession with your stupid _face_ and _smile_ and _abs_ and your **_idiotic_** **_fucking_** **_heart_** means that I'm at least kind of into guys.  And it took a while, and it was confusing, and I might've cried on Hen's shoulder once, but I fucking figured it out.”

 

Eddie’s heart sinks, because at those words, all _he_ wants is to comfort _Buck._

 

“So, you telling me that I don't know what I want is so frustrating, Eddie.  Because I know.” Buck shakes his head as he finally lowers his voice into a calmer, level tone.  “I've known for a while. And you stood there and let me in, further and further. And you led me on, giving me exactly what I wanted for one brief moment.  And I was so stupid. Because you left me there looking like an idiot, and now you're treating me like a child. What, because you think I'm going through a phase?”

 

Eddie wishes the yelling and the anger was back.  The wounded, calm demeanor is worse. It tears at his ribs from the inside, leaving him breathing hard.

 

He can't find anything to say to Buck, so he simply stares.

 

After a minute of silence, it's clear that's not good enough for Buck, so he sighs and turns for the door, pausing before he opens it

 

“You wanna go back to the way it was before?  Fine. But don't pull that fucking shit out there on a call again.  We're a team.” He sneers. Eddie can see his profile and it's not a face that's been directed at him since his first day on the job.  “Besides, cowardly isn't a good look on you.”

 

Eddie feels like he's starting to see a pattern on how people finish conversations with him the last couple days.

 

*****

 

Buck has Sunday off.  He pulled a 29 hour shift with only a 3 hour nap in the middle.  He earned it.

 

They hadn't had any more arguments during the rear of their shift, and minus the usual playful banter, they worked together as seamlessly as always.

 

Eddie was scheduled to leave less than an hour after Buck, but the younger man didn't wait around.

 

Eddie wasn't surprised.

 

He shovels cereal into his mouth and stares at his phone.  His shift is short today, which is why he's eating second breakfast instead of a full lunch.  He's just breaking the people who are working doubles and triples. Hell of a start to the holiday season.

 

Eddie can’t complain.  He'll be off probably well before his Aunt gets done taking Christopher Christmas shopping.

 

“Yo, Eddie.”  Diego hops onto the counter next to the dinner table.  His uniform isn't back on and he's slightly damp.

 

“You're supposed to sleep on your break, not surf.”  Eddie snorts and gets up to wash his cereal bowl.

 

“Enough about me, man.”  Diego clicks his tongue in disapproval.  “Did you fix things with your boo, yet?”

 

“Please don't say that ever again, and no.  There's no fixing something that never started.”

 

“Hogwash, dude.”

 

“Hog- what?”  Eddie places the bowl on the drying rack and wipes his hands off.  He turns to frown at the San Diego native. His arms cross defensively when he sees Diego grinning at him.

 

“I'm just saying.  When I got here… You two were like a happy married couple.  You were more domestic than Cap ‘n Thena.”

 

“She hates when you call her that.”  Bobby's voice floats into the kitchen from the sofa, where Eddie hadn't even seen him taking a nap.

 

“We gotta turn that sofa toward the stairs.”  Eddie grumbles, feeling strangely defensive, still.

 

“Dude, you need to kiss and make up.  It's not about the kissing part. It's about the fact that you love eachother.”  Diego jumps off the ledge and crowds closer to Eddie, and he can't help but tense, but the man simply slaps him on the arm and grins even wider.  “You ever think about how lucky you are, dude? That a guy with a heart of gold like that, who could have anyone he wanted, rich, poor, famous, probably even royalty, I mean, the guys a catch…”

 

“What Diego is trying to say, Eddie…” Bobby calls from the other side of the room, groaning as he sits up and then stands to walk toward them.  He leans against the counter a few feet away. “Is that the only thing you should be scared of is the fact that you both work dangerous, stressful, exhausting jobs, and trust me… that makes a relationship hard.  What you shouldn’t be scared of… is letting him make you happy… letting yourselves make _eachother happy_.  Because that's not a bad thing, Eddie.  It's the best thing anyone could ask for.”

 

Diego nods and points at Bobby before putting a fist out for the Captain to fist bump.

 

Bobby smiles at the newest member of the team and bumps his fist before walking to the fridge.

 

Diego leans in again and grips Eddie's arms.  “Stop thinking that when something seems too good to be true, you need to run from it.  Because you're gonna end up hurting everyone around you. Including your kid. Including _yourself_.”

 

The call siren goes off before Eddie can respond and he and the Captain make their way to the stairs, leaving Diego to get ready for the third length of his shift.

 

*****

 

Eddie stands in his own kitchen, phone in hand.  He stares at the screen waiting for Buck's response.

 

He had texted Buck a couple hours before, right when his shift was over, telling him that he needed a favor.  The answer had been a short, “Sure, what's up.” But Eddie had grinned in triumph anyway and proceeded to ask if Buck could pick Christopher up from his Abuelita's where they werehaving a late lunch and then they have their ladies’ church meeting.  Eddie explained he got caught up with something important and asked if he could bring Chris back to the house and watch him til Eddie was home.

 

Eddie looks down at his phone at the most recent message from five minutes ago.

 

_“Got Chris, we're headed to your place.”_

 

Eddie frowns at the unusual language.  When Buck picks Christopher up, he always says they're headed home.

 

Eddie never realized how right that sounded.

 

He hears the jeep outside and listens to his son talking loudly about something as they exit the car.  Buck's laughter carries even louder in through the kitchen window and Eddie realizes he's terrified.

 

The front door opens and shuts and Buck calls out.

 

“Eddie?”

 

“Yeah. I'm here.  Just a second.” Eddie answers, pocketing his phone and staring at the doorway like it's a hundred yards away instead of two feet.

 

He hears Buck whisper to Christopher, who lets out an excited laugh and then they're both laughing together in the other room.

 

“C'mon man, let's hide this stuff before your dad sees it.”  Buck whispers, louder this time.

 

Eddie’s heart clenches when he realizes it's been days since Buck has sounded that happy.

 

God, he wants Buck to sound like that all the time.

 

Eddie takes a deep breath and walks into the living room.  He sees a movie on the table by the door and picks it up. _TMNT_.  One of Buck's favorites.  He'd been waiting for a chance to watch it with Christopher.

 

And Eddie.

 

Buck had wanted to wait til it was all of them.  He'd said so, not more than a week ago.

 

And since Eddie fucked everything up, he supposes Buck didn't feel like it was worth waiting for.  He supposes Buck doesn't feel so much like they're a family anymore.

 

Eddie hopes he has a chance to prove he _does_ want that.  And that he's willing to try to get over these fears and try to make this whole mistake up to Buck.

 

“Dude, what happened?”  Buck’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he finds his best friend standing across the room from him, face scrunched in annoyance and confusion.  “You said you were caught up with something. This doesn't look like anything very important to me.”

 

“It does to me.”  Eddie says, holding up the DVD.

 

“What?”  Buck’s face drops into a blank expression.

 

Eddie's heart pounds in his chest and he takes a step forward.

 

“I'm sorry.  And you were right, for all this confidence and bravado, and how I say that I can do it all… I am still just a coward.”

 

“Eddie, I didn't mean-”

 

“Wait, let me…”  Eddie steps forward and reaches out with his free hand to grab Buck by the back of the neck.  “I just need to say this. For myself, if not for you.”

 

Buck nods, and Eddie and feel him swallow tightly.

 

“I am so gone for you, Buck.  I am.” Eddie whispers and watches as Buck’s eyes close tight and his forehead scrunches with the effort.  “I have never been ashamed of it, or felt like it was wrong. And I believe that you feel it too, just like I do.  But…”

 

Eddie pauses and he can feel Buck start to nod, face pinching even farther, like he's readying himself for a rejection and Eddie hurries to fix it.

 

“Buck, look at me.   _Please_ , look at me.  I'm trying to tell you I want this.  I want to do this if you do too.” Eddie hisses out in a rush, squeezing the back of Buck's neck.

 

Buck's eyes fly open and he looks so surprised that Eddie almost wants to laugh, but he's got so much more he needs to say.

 

“But I didn't know how, Buck.”  Eddie goes on, rubbing his thumb along the spot behind Buck's ear that he's sure still has a hint of a bruise from where Eddie worried the skin with his teeth the other night.  “I didn’t know how to fit anyone into our life. It's always been me and Christopher and my family and I haven’t let anyone else into that. Ever. You once called it a weak ass excuse, but its not.  Christopher is my world and I’m his. I have never wanted to date anyone and see if they fit in our home. I was happy the way it was. And then I was so busy freaking out how I couldn't do that, especially not with you, my best fucking friend.  I couldn't risk losing you. I was so adamant that I couldn't, that I didn't even realize… I already had.”

 

Buck looks into Eddie's eyes with so much hope and emotion that he can’t help it and he does laugh.

 

“Buck, you're…”  Eddie swallows and stops laughing so that he can get the words out.  “I don't know how I didn't notice, but Christopher isn't my whole world anymore.  The three of us? Together? That's my world. And I want that. If thats okay with you.  Because I already know it's okay with Christopher.”

 

Eddie looks behind Buck into his son's room where he can see the kid leaning in from the edge of the doorway to spy on them.

 

“Does this mean you're gonna kiss?”  Christopher says, slow and playfully annoyed, even though you could hear the smile in his voice.  “I don't wanna be here for that.”

 

Eddie laughs again, relief flooding over him.  His hand drops from Buck's neck as the blonde angels himself so he can see both Eddie and Christopher.

 

“Maybe later, man.  Plenty of time for that.”  Buck tells Christopher, but his gaze doesn't leave Eddie's.  The message gets across loud and clear, and Eddie has to physically restrain himself from kissing the man anyway.  Buck fixes him with a blinding grin and then grabs the DVD, turning to face the younger Diaz. “Right now? I believe we had plans to watch some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  And I have been dying for you guys to see it, so thats what we're doing. That still cool?”

 

“Very.”  Christopher agrees with a smile to rival Buck's, coming out from his room and starting toward the TV.  “I get the big chair!”

 

Eddie laughs again as he watches his son make his way to the large recliner in their living room.  As soon as he turns to look at Buck again, he feels soft lips pressing onto his own and he answers back instantly, smiling into the kiss.

 

It's over before he wants it to be, but the happiness on Buck's face is just as good.

 

“I'm sorry I messed up.”  Eddie speaks in a low voice, just for Buck's ears.  “Maybe I can make it up to you after the movie.”

 

“You can make it up to me _over_ and **_over_** for the rest of time, Diaz.”  Buck jests, wrapping one arm around Eddie's back and leaning in for another quick kiss.  “I'm not going anywhere.”

  
  
  



End file.
